One happy, fun woman I know well, recently sent me an email expressing her frustration with other women in the dating world. Here is her email:
Hi Laura, I felt compelled to send you this after my last date.
I have been on numerous dates in the last few months. Within the first 15 mins, the guy eventually starts talking about all the nightmare dates he has been on. I listen because I am a coach, and like you Laura, I want to educate women in particular to really think about how they are presenting themselves out there in the dating world. To be clear, I am not speaking about all women here. But, I am so sick of hearing how crazy and psycho women are. Honestly, these guys are all using the same words to describe women. The things that women are doing to themselves on dates is just unbelievable. If I just heard it from a few men, I would think it was the men, but I am hearing the same nightmare events from all the men I go out with. Stalkers, free loaders, liars, gold diggers, dress like hookers, too much make-up, too much surgery, mean behavior, selfish, drink too much, do drugs, don’t look like their pictures, lie about height and weight, just want a free dinner, free concert to go to, too high maintenance, don’t know how to carry on conversations unless it’s about them, too willing to give it up on the first date or first few dates (spells very low self-esteem to a man). The guys all seem to have PTDS: Post Traumatic Dating Syndrome! (I made that up.) So then I come along and they can’t believe I am normal, not perfect, but they are so worn down by all the drama, they think it’s going to be the same with me anyway, so why bother.
Hello? I know, we all know men think and behave differently and by far are not perfect either. Perfect shouldn’t even be in our vocabulary, neither should fair, because we wouldn’t know it if we experienced it. Men have their baggage and drama at times, but very little compared to women. Get rid of the majority of your baggage before you start dating (common sense here ladies)!
This is more of a synapsis of what all these men have shared with me. They don’t want perfect. Yes, they are thinking about sex, aren’t you? The majority of men are not out looking for sex or one night stands, but most will take it, if you offer. They are happy, shocked, and disappointed all at the same time knowing that you will give it up so easily. The next thought is, if she will do it with me this quick, how many other guys has she done and will do, so he will not be calling you unless he just wants sex. Most men have the same thoughts about catching STDS as women do. They don’t want to catch any of the them. They want to stay healthy.
Guys are not stupid, if you dress like a hooker, they think you do it all the time for others, so a great guy isn’t going to approach you, if he does, he won’t keep you, knowing you dress like that. Keep the hooker look for when you are in a relationship with him, not in public. Ever wonder why he rarely takes you out or doesn’t take you to nice places?
I have also run into guys (not dated) that are in or have had LTR, over a year or more, and want to marry their girlfriends. When I asked them, how long did they wait to have sex, every one of them was 3 to 6 months! The women decided that, and the men were fine with it. This showed them how confident she was in herself and made her way more attractive and they trusted her more. I think I asked 6 or 7 guys that question. I knew them well enough to ask, they all know I am single and that I am a coach, so they felt safe sharing. Now, when it came to dating, the divorced men waited a year and a half or so, before they started dating. Smart guys. Women should pay attention to that as well. I was married and off the market for 25 years, I didn’t date for over a year myself after divorce. I studied how to date again, and improved some things I didn’t like about myself. It’s been 5 years and I am still learning and improving, I always will. Winging it while dating doesn’t work these days. It doesn’t matter what age you are. I have talked to 20-somethings and it’s the same environment.
I am certainly not into women-bashing at all. Ladies, you have to have your life in order before you date. Winging it isn’t working for you, is it? The knight in shining armor isn’t coming to save you from yourself, if he does, he won’t be around long. Please get some coaching, I am a coach and I get coaching, there are plenty of coaches, books, seminars to attend to learn how to move on after divorce and start dating again and do it without losing your soul and sleeping around, thinking you can keep a man that way. If that worked, you wouldn’t be reading this article now would you. Your coach will teach you how to qualify your dates and zero in on what you are looking for a lot faster than doing it on your own.
We all must be willing to communicate with our hearts and not be so afraid of not being “the match” or playing all those “what if” scenarios/games! Please stop using the word rejection. Grow up and get a backbone for gosh sakes. Use the word blessing instead. Move on, dating is just an experience, not a death sentence every time you don’t get a call back! Good communication skills are very sexy and a real turn on. Figure that out, before you start dating. Get some coaching, you will move on much faster and be much happier and a lot more attractive to everyone around you.
One more thing, if you don’t like or love yourself, your date will feel that, is that what you want your dates to feel?
Be a blessing to your date whether you are a match or not.
Kim Z – Littleton, Co
What are your thoughts?